Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
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i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Room with a view.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
This makes total sense…
“I FIXED IT!”
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!