According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
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Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.