“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
You Might Also Like
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
The two types of wives
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body