*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
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Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…