Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
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Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Not all heroes wear capes…
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.