you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
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It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
💁🏻♂️
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.