saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
You Might Also Like
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Isn’t
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.