[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
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Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
This hospital has everything
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.