My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
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You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle