Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
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I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Wake me when AI does housework
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
fair
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it