IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
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If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.