Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
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The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Breaking news:
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go