*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
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We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
🤭😂
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again