“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
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me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
incredible
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!