A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
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Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
the chicken was already gone when I got here
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.