A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
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Batman v Dracula
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok