You Might Also Like
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.