Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
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Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.