I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
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Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
My current situation
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother鈥檚 Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 馃槫
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestl茅.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I鈥檓 pretty sure it鈥檚 a conspiracy by Big Textile.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I鈥檓 intrigued
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.