The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
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I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
christening a ship with an overripe banana
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING