Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
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COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
A Short Story.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.