I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
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I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.