He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
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Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.