I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
You Might Also Like
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.