watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
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I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
my nickname in college
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.