“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
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I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Stop it! 😂
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.