When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
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Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Hey i am sexy to you now
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Don’t touch that.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.