me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
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when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
That’s fair
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?