Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
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This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
🤣
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story