Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
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Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this