Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
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daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
This could be us… but you playing
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.