Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
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Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.