I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
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I’M CRYINGGG
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups