Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
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me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
This makes total sense…
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.