Going to pronounce fecal like decal
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*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road