If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
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everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
My house is cleaner than itâs ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it youâll just have to take my word for it
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I canât tell you because youâll try to stop me
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: â500 Days of Summerâ maybe?
them: whatâs it about?
me: August 2020
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure đ
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
You know youâve leveled up after quarantine when your kidâs friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, âitâs ok, his momâs just making dinner.â
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Pro tip:
Singing âInto the great wide openâ is never ok during sex
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Him: Letâs make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
DOOO EEEET