When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
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WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds