When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
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As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
I identify as an antique shop.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white