I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
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Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
what kind of cook setting is this??
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.