Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
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Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
R.I.P.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.