ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
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If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
I’m giving up ice.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.