My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
You Might Also Like
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands