My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
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I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
And that about sums it up.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*