*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
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Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
i smell a pulitzer
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂