Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
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A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.