Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
You Might Also Like
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
🤣could you imagine
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
I really had high hopes for this year though
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore