I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
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I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
lmao
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.