My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
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but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job