As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
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8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
this is the best day of my life
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?