ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
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I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*